Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively…Married?

reynoldsAlright. I have to admit that my first reaction to the rumors that Ryan Reynolds had married Blake Lively was a rather loud and incredulous ‘OH, HELL NO!’ Yes, in my best ghetto accent.

I can do ghetto very well.

It’s not the fact that Reynolds had gotten married. Far from it. From all my acquaintances that know the man very well, I get the impression that he is a sweet (yet dorky) man. He deserves happiness.

It’s the fact that it’s BLAKE LIVELY. Again, from acquaintances I hear that, for the lack of a better term, she’s a bitch. That’s right, I said it. BLAKE LIVELY is a bitch. And a whore. I strongly suspect she sleeps with people to get acting gigs in Hollywood.

I sincerely wish that he at least married a decent human being. Was that too much to ask? Apparently so.

My abhorrence with the woman stems from the fact that, well, she’s a rotten example of decent. I sincerely doubt that she fits the description of human as well.

Mr. Reynolds, if you’re reading this, I hope you get that marriage annulled quickly. You deserve SO much better. I suggest Selena Gomez, if you like ‘em young. Maybe even Sandra Bullock. Yeah, ok, I know it’s not that kind of relationship with her. Maybe you can find a pretty bartender like Matt Damon did.

A bookstore clerk, a waitress, a nurse, a stripper even. Blake Lively? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?!

Were you drunk? Were you high?

I have to question all your choices now. Highlander? Will you even be good in it? Deadpool? Maybe a stunt double should do all the work for you. A Green Lantern sequel? Hope the script was infinitely better than the previous one. Let’s be honest, it kinda sucked. Maybe the other Ryan should take over your projects while you get your head on straight.

Well, I guess it could be worse. It could have been Angelina Jolie……

Actually, I take that back. Angelina would be an improvement.

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